Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Ok, bear with me...

I was walking home thinking about posting something about music. About the mix tapes I used to love making and the memories I had of the people I made them for.

Then I thought about the tapes I have from my 18th birthday, when my dad got me to choose my 100 favourite songs and put them onto a reel-to-reel and onto cassettes for me. I thought about the songs I picked then and how I would choose a few of them again if I had to choose my top 100 now.

Then I was thinking about the various songs that have captured me at different times and how I've changed from song to song.

Then "Everything Changes" came of my MP3 player and made me giggle - everything does indeed change. I'm sure that song is on my 18th birthday mix, yet I only started listening to it again when I bought myself the greatest hits CD for my 27th birthday.

One song that I thought of was "Let It Be" (by The Beatles of course). I can remember listening to this on repeat for a whole day once. It was the day that David found out I was seeing Jon and I had to decide what to do. Did I try to rebuild a relationship with a guy I had lots in common with, but who lived 200 miles away. Or did I try things with a guy I'd only just met but already felt a great deal for. That day lying in bed and listening to "Let It Be" over and over and over was a day in limbo, where I was so scared of making that decision that I couldn't make any decision at all.
I've always been scared of jumping into water and that was a jump like that. I was wobbling about on a pillar, knowing I had to jump, but unable to choose which way.

Ever relationship I've had had finished like that, teetering on the edge and having to make a choice. Except this last one. I wasn't on that pillar, I was on firm ground when it suddenly went from under me. I fell for a little while, purely cos I thought that was what I had to do.

Then I said no.

Then I opened my eyes and opened my eyes again*.

Then I flew.

Ok, so there are times when it gets a bit wobbly (like the other night), but I know that they're unavoidable really. Yeah, I can drink less when I go out, and I can stop having such high expectations -instead of go out, drink lots, flirt lots; make it go out, drink a bit, dance lots.

I know I can do this, and I'm going to. Life is something everybody does, after all.

*Hoicked from "A Hat Full of Sky" by Terry Pratchett.

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