Difficult

Everyone tells me that I'm coping so well when I feel like I'm falling apart on the little things.

Mum spent the day cleaning my kitchen, which was fine, but then she had a go at me for not having cleaned the cooker since he moved out. I tried to say that it was because I can only do a certain amount of cleaning before getting depressed so I stop before that and do something else - but she "doesn't believe" in depression. She tried to think positive all the time, which is fine, but she doesn't let anyone else slip even for a moment.

Ok, so my cooker top was a mess, but I hadn't gone out and spent £50 on vodka which I could have done.

----------------

I went out tonight with Emily, Katie W and Matt. It was a good time, I lost once at pool and then beat Matt in the rematch (which considering I hadn't played for 6 years was pretty good). The problem came when we went to Blastoff @ The Civic. Katie wanted to find me a nice man to snog, and there weren't any. There were a few ok guys, but they all either had girls or turned away when I flirted. It just made me feel a bit crap, which is why I'm posting.

It's a bugger that the two men I really like at the moment are so not suitable, and that I have no mobile credit to flirt with a third one!

This came on in the cab home and I hope it's true, cos it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

"She Will Be Loved"

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

----------------------

Is it wrong to want to feel like you're the most important person in the world? To feel adored and loved and safe?

I shall go to bed with my cats and cry, and dream of a better tomorrow.