Love letters, hate junk mail.

The post in the last few days has been worse than normal. Usually we have a couple of bits of post a day, usually both junk. But we've had nothing for the past few days and then *thump* it all arrived at once.

What did we get?

- An application form for Purple Loans (homeowners only).
- Credit card application (41.9% typical APR) (I feel horrible that there are people out there who actually have to take this as an option).
- Another credit card application (this one only has 21.9% APR).
- A SKY statement (must phone and pay that in a sec).
- An advert letter for botaxyouth serum (with lots of pictures inside using very clever lighting).
- An advert letter for Slimtox (including pictures of the many celebrities that have successfully used detox as a method of losing weight, but neglecting to mention that none of them have actually used this product).

So from my post/mail you can see that the whole point of life is to be thin, wrinkle free and to pay for those things by taking out loans and using credit cards. Oh, and that I have to pay SKY.

Funny how something that you would think would give you an insight into someone is possibly as far from the truth as possible.

I don't have wrinkles yet, due to the fact that I have oily skin so I still get spots for heavens sake! Detox? Ok, but pass that bar of Dairy Milk first (it's 2 400g bars for £3 in Woolies at the moment). Money wise we're doing ok, not rich, but not awake at night worrying about which bills to pay first. Oh, but I do have to pay SKY (as soon as I'm not on hold for 20 minutes....)

So contrary to my post (mail post as opposed to Blog post), life is good.

Now I'm off to kick some Undead butt in WoW until the towels are done in the washing machine.

Edit: My emails are usually worse than my post but today I didn't have a single Viagra or Porn email in my Junk Mail. Instead I had one from Bob Geldolf about emailing Peter Mandelson. Definately an email worth receiving.

I am Foley.....hear me roar!

Ceefax @ 19.00

I always flip through the news on Ceefax when I get up in the morning and when I get home from work

I go straight to page 104 and then progress through to 124. These are the first 10 stories I read tonight, in the order they appeared on screen.

104 - England considers World Cup bid.

105 - Blair defends education reforms.

106 - Iraq suicide attacks kill dozens.

107 - Supply fears amid gas price surge.

108 - Prince to sue over China diaries.

109 - UN rejects Guantanamo visit offer.

110 - Met boss may face Menezes inquiry.

111 - Bird flu vaccine "fast-tracked".

112 - Keane in shock exit from Man Utd.

113 - Policewoman shot dead in robbery.


Woah! Back up there! A policewoman being murdered ranks below Roy Keane quitting Man United?

My outrage was slightly cooled by the fact that it is now the lead story on the BBC News website, but even so!

Ok, I have vented my rage, I'm now off to eat chocolate, watch Children In Need and light a candle for a woman who was doing her job, and for her colleague in hospital.

Forgot to mention...

...that this guy came back into work last week!

RichieDaws says that he's been in a few times, but I haven't been about. This time I was (obviously)...

So there's a big queue and ths guy just joins it. I tried to make Chris aware of who he was, but with a big queue it wasn't possible to go "Hey Chris, you remember hearing about the guy who came in and got pornographic? Well that's him." So instead I served my way through the queue til he arrived in front of me.

Once again he wanted to see "spell books" so once again we went down to the back of the shop. Once again he started telling kme about how he gets possessed sexually, and I told him that anything that would help would be on the shelf and I had to get back to the counter but would come back when I could.

So I went back and served, and served and served (we get v.busy at lunchtimes) and attempted to tell Chris who he was. Then he came back and lurked near the counter so I phoned RichieDaws. I pretended he was a customer since the sleazy guy was by the counter, Rich got a little confused by this "Hello Kate, I'm not a customer!" but eventually he got the point.

I made another phone call (a real customer this time) and Mr Sleaze went off down the back again because Bod appeared (and got very grrry at him, but went to watch him on camera when I said Rich was on his way).

Rich appeared and I described the guy, then as I saw him coming back to the counter I hid in the back room while Rich politely explained that I wasn't going to help him and that he should leave. Mr Sleaze protested so Rich pointed out to him that he knew what Sleazy man had been saying and would call the police. Mr Sleaze left and I went upstairs and ate more chocolate (I was on a 3 x 30 min break pattern that day).

I dislike the fact he came back, but I love the way that he left! (if only ALL sleazy men were so easy to get rid of)

Some may call you bookish, and mean it in a bad
way.....but we know better! Delighting in
books, and very likely with more tomes than
clothes, you amaze others with your knowledge
of the obscure and the common.

Books alone cannot a life make, but you know this
as well....you love having chats with others
who love words and ideas as much as yourself!

Can I play in your library? Please??

You are The Favourite Poet by Alma~Tadema.


Which Pre~Raphaelite Painting Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Birthdate: December 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything. You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return. Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge Your power color: Cobalt blue Your power symbol: Dove Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

-----------------------------------

I also looked at a few of these for people I know and was amazed how right they were!

Got shouted at...

...by my sister for not posting on here. I would like to point out that she's not posting much either!

I haven't been doing much to post about, at least not anything that is interesting to anyone other than Phoenix or me.

I've been:
a) working,
b) sleeping,
c) doing housework (well trying to)
d) playing WoW.

and that's about it.

Last week was a busy one. Phoenix had his first wrestling show on Tuesday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday we had visitors and Thursday was the moot (which I didn't go to as I was very very very sleepy from Tuesday still).

I scared a few people at work by going into a seemingly sugar induced craze for a couple of days, but in fact it was just the usual new year realignment.

I say the usual - I spend the first few days after Samhain feeling gradually more and more disoriented and then things move back into place again. I attempted to describe it to Campbell and she gave me a funny look.
Ok, draw a vertical line (on paper, visualise it whatever) to represent the universe. Then draw another one running parallel to it and about 5mm away. Then draw three more lines each 5mm away from the last. At the most extreme point I felt as though I was on the line furthest from the universe and moving along that line sideways. But thanks to lots of Cherry Coke, Dairy Milk and some intervention from Deep Secret - I'm now back in line with the universe again.

This led to a few nice moments of epiphany and realisation, so I'm now inclined to start giggling for no apparent reason and be walking round with a huge grin for the next few weeks.

Other than that, I'm planning for Yule. Trying to get the house sorted and presents organised. We still don't know if we'll be going down South for a few days (depends on the cats) but I hope we get to. One of the other things that's been getting to me is the accent up here - I'm homesick for people saying "daann" rather that "dow-an" (down). Really have to sort things so I can move back home. It's nice up here and all but half the time I can't understand what people are saying and then they look at me like I'm crazy.

Right, I should have wittered enough to keep Emily happy. See you in a bit!

John Peel Day

It's John Peel day today. It marks a year since his last broadcast before his death.

I used to listen to him back during my teenage radio phase. I'd start the day with Chris Evans (and later Zoe Ball) on the Breakfast show (which we also got to listen to on the school bus sometimes), then when I got back after school I'd stick the radio back on and listen right through until I went to sleep. Even then I'd still be listening as I'd fall asleep with the radio on until some random bit of music (usually played by Andy Kershaw) would wake me up and I'd turn it off.

I can't say that my musical tastes wrere decided by listening to John Peel, my parents are responsible for my love of 60's/70's music and my Neil Young tolerance, but I certainly heard bands I wouldn't have heard otherwise.

So here's to John Peel. A man who gave us music and laughter. A man who I used to hear talking about his home studio and I could almost see him there. Thanks for everything John.

Pinched from Emily

Go to Google and type in (your name) needs. Then pick 5.

1. (Cocaine) Kate needs to be genuine.
2. Kate needs to trust Angel.
3. Kate needs better keyboard usability.
4. Kate needs to explore her innermost nature.
5. Kate needs to meet the mayor of Israeli Arab town Umm al-Fahm.

Most of the Kate results I found were about Kate Moss and repeats of the first one, the innermost nature one was about Kate Winslet though. Not sure who the Kate is that needs to meet the mayor - wasn't intrigued enough to click it.

I also found KateSpot. Another domain name I can't have ;-)

Pinched from a LJ friend (who got Carrot)

You scored as Esmerelda (Granny) Weatherwax. You are Granny Weatherwax! The most powerful witch on the Disc! You often use headology rather than actual spells, and are a very good witch, despite the fact that you sometimes wish you were a bad one. You play a mean game of Cripple Mr. Onion, and have a very powerful stare. By the way, you should really get that broom fixed... Esmerelda (Granny) Weatherwax 94% Lord Havelock Vetinari 88% Commander Samuel Vimes 75% Gytha (Nanny) Ogg 56% Carrot Ironfounderson 50% The Librarian 50% Death 50% Cohen The Barbarian 50% Greebo 44% Rincewind 25% Which Discworld Character are you like (with pics) created with QuizFarm.com

Finally not buying into it!

Phoenix refers to me as the "ad-man's dream".

I buy into adverts. I see things and think I need them. I watch shows and cry over the characters. I create back stories for people in adverts and characters in my favourite shows.

But this time I beat him!

If I bought into all of it, I would use some fancy brand name washing powder rather than Sainsbury's own-brand.

Then I would have been able to wash the bloodstains out of a new white towel (shaving legs fast with cheap razors, not good) with Daz or Bold or Fairy. Instead I used the own brand stuff with a little Ecover stain remover, and the towel is gleaming!

Of course if I bought into all of it I would have a Venus Divine razor rather than the 30 for £1 from the £ shop. (I do have a Venus razor, in an attempt to be kinder to the environment (as in throwing away blades rather than a whole razor each time), but the others are cheaper).

But then again I did (partly) cut my legs up due to drinking the limited edition pink fizzy lovely wine from Marks and Spencers....as seen on TV.

Ok, I'm off to watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (still not my friend Beth though) and drink more pink fizzy (saving some for during the GP tomorrow - at 6am...)

Friends O' Mine - Bowling for Soup

Well it was ugly but we made it this far,
Some have gone but I forget who they are,
Now the hangovers are worse but we get through 'em fine.
Sleeping late but we're not lazy,
Getting older but we're still crazy,
I?m so glad that I have these friends o' mine.

It started out at a coffee shop in a most unlikely town,
And there were casualties but we made it out anyhow.
We stuck together through the good and bad times,
Pulp Fiction, Blazing Saddles, and Fast Times,
I'm so glad that I have these friends o' mine.

And jobs, girls and obstacles did all but break us down,
Night clubs and broken bands in every major town.
And I've got your back, you've got mine,
Like Johnny Cash said "I walk the line",
And you can always count on me for one last beer!

We saw the world and the world seemed smaller,
We're getting wider but not getting no taller,
I know we've grown up just a little at a time.
We're sleeping late but we're not lazy,
We're getting older but we're still crazy,
I'm so glad that I have these friends o' mine.
So glad that I have these friends o' mine.
So glad that I have these friends o' mine.

------------------------------------------

You guys know who you are. Whether I've known you since before you were born as our mothers used to flat-share, met you in C-Block during the first year at Anglo, met you via an online group or I'm lucky enough to have you as a sister (by marriage or blood) - thanks for all the good times guys.

Hmmm dusty...

I know, I know. But I'm hardly ever online long enough to remember to come on and update.

We still haven't got broadband back yet and I just end up checking my emails and then logging off as the connection just seems so slow. I have found that AOL do a Daily SuDoku puzzle which is quite nice, but I want my BT Yahoo back!

Found this about Warcraft on the BBC and it made me both glad that I'm not on there to catch it and sad that I'm not on there to see if it has affected the server I play on.

We have just signed up to ScreenSelect who are one of those DVD rental postal sites. We've "Bill Bailey: Part Troll" and "Stage Beauty" so far. Watched BB last night and I'll watch SB today. It means we can watch all sorts of new stuff and lots of good old stuff for not a lot of dosh and means that we can road test new films before deciding if we like them enough to buy them.

That's pretty much all we've been up to. I've been doing lots of cross-stitch and picking out little projects to attempt for christmas, and I'm still just about FLYing - I'm procrastinating about the Control Journal (I bought her version, but 3-ring binders are not standard in the UK and I have no hole punch, and can't decide whether to try to buy a USA style folder.....etc etc)

So the plans for today are, do some washing up, change the bed, snuggle with the kittens, watch Stage Beauty, and watch the GP later. There's probably a few other things to do as well, I could do with doing more washing, but have nowhere to dry it so probably won't. I shall make a list of household things we need to buy instead (like airers).

Emily moves into uni today so I am feeling rather old. I shall put on the Bluetones and Bowling for Soup and dance like there's no one watching (which there isn't, apart from the cats).

Sunday, Sunday

(sung like Monday, Monday but with different words....)

I am so chilled right now. We had a nice long snuggle in bed this morning before he had to head off to the wrestling and then I got up and did some cleaning.

Now my living room is all tidy, the washings hanging upstairs and the cats are curled up on the (hoovered) sofa.

But I am cold, it's getting to be the time of year again where he's too hot and I'm freezy icy woman. So I have made a decision and put the heating on. Not so high that I could wander about nekkid, but high enough so I don't need to be wearing gloves to type this. In a few weeks it'll settle down and this temp will be ok but for the moment I am cold. Besides, having the heating on will make the washing dry faster - it's all very well for FLYlady to talk about laundry rooms and dryers but all I have is the washing machine in my kitchen!

Ok, I'm off to try and play some games (despite the computer being so slow now broadband is off for a bit) and to snuggle with my kitties.

*sigh* cats...

Foley's latest act of chewing has meant that we have no broadband access for the moment as he bit through the modem power cable (computer was off).

So online time will be limited for a while. I'll attempt to go round reading blogs every few days, but can't manage every day as usual. Hopefully we can get a new power cable soon and then things will be back to normal.

In the meantime I am watching lots of documentaries and films and doing lots of cross-stitch.

Love you!

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

I'd like to point out first that I love this song and that it cheers me up and makes me sing out loud, despite the title of it!

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

Today's Horoscope

Your logical mind might try to make rational sense of the strange metaphysical ideas, KATE, that are popping in and out of your head today. Some of them might be conclusions drawn from books you've been reading, but others might actually be messages from the other side. Write down whatever insights come your way. They might not seem logical, but they'll make a difference to your life. In the evening: Discuss these ideas with a love partner.

Well I will when he gets home from work...at about 10.30!

Nicest breakfast in the world?

Now bear in mind two things. 1) I'm only 26, and 2) I'm not a big fan of breakfast. Eating early in the morning makes me queasy, I can manage something when I'm done rushing about and walking to work, but before that I just feel sick.

Yesterday I decided to try eating breakfast again, but with no cereal or milk, it didn't happen. So when I went to buy lunch I thought I'd get some cereal and try again.

Now I have found the nicest cereal in the world (if you're not allergic to any of the ingredients anyway). I bought it in Marks & Spencers, mainly because I had no actual cash and so was spending a voucher on food. I think it was £1.99 for the box, not cheap but then again it's the only cereal I've ever had where the serving size is right. I've always gone way over the serving size after trying it, but today it was perfect.

Anyway, let's give you the details.

Triple Chocolate Crunch

For chocolate enthusiasts everywhere, a myriad of chocolate sensations in one cereal bowl! Deliciously moreish crunchy oat cocoa clusters are a unique receipe to us. We have added melt-in-the-mouth white & dark chocolate curls with over 40% cocoa and fudge-like truffles to ensure you experience chocolate heaven in every mouthful.

The closest comparison I can make is chocolate HobNobs smashed up - except nicer.

Plus, it's not as high in calories as it sounds.

When I brought it home last night Phoenix looked at it and laughed.

"Why are you laughing?"

"You know when Campbell does her whole "If you were me, and I was a book, which shelf would I be on" when she's looking for returns?"

"Yup"

"Well if you were a breakfast cereal and I was looking for you..."

"Yup"

"You'd be that one"

(I think it was a compliment)

Teatowels and cricket

I actually watched some cricket at the weekend. I blame Rob, because he put it on and got me vaguely interested. So with a break in the middle to watch the Moto GP (running out of petrol!!!) I watched cricket. And I quite enjoyed it too.

I've never been a cricket fan, and I wouldn't call myself one now, I'm just someone who will occasionally watch The Ashes matches. I'm unlikely to ever turn into a cricket fan though. I do partly blame this on Jon (my boyfriend while at uni) who used to watch it on Ceefax....yup, on Ceefax. Watching the page update ever now and then to say 1 or 2 more runs than before. Paint drying or Ceefax cricket....you decide!

Anyhoo, this post was brought about by the fact that I attempted to explain what I knew of cricket to Phoenix (who is DEFINATELY not a cricket person) by remembering a teatowel that my parents had (and probably still have in a drawer somewhere). Along with the fabulous "Dick Turpin" teatowel (a replica of the poster announcing his hanging) they had one that explained cricket in a kind of w.t.f. way. But I couldn't remember it all and got very confused.

The good old BBC however, have kindly included it in an article about blogging about cricket. So here, for your confusion, are the rules of cricket.

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Books

Recently I've been reading through my collection of Janet Evanovich books. I started reading her books a long long time ago - I bought book 6 in hardback when I was living in Canterbury and she's just done number 11. The only other authors I can remember reading consistently like that (current authors that is) are Terry Pratchett and Katie Fforde.

Anyways, I read book 1 and didn't remember the storyline! It's been so long since I read it, mainly because I was missing odd ones in the sequence so tended to only read the three that I had in a row. Then at Christmas I filled in all the gaps, but since I'd also done that with Pratchett and was reading those, Stephanie Plum drew the short straw.

But I digress. The real point of this post follows below.

-----------------------------------------

Where's My Cow? 1st October 2005. £10.99

At six o'clock every day, without fail, with no excuses, Sam Vimes must go home to read "Where's My Cow?", with all the right farmyard noises, to his little boy. There are some things you have to do. It is the most loved and chewed book in the world. But his father wonders why it is full of moo-cows and baa-lambs when Young Sam will only ever see them cooked on a plate. He can think of a more useful book for a boy who lives in a city. So Sam Vimes starts adapting the story. A story with streets, not fields. A book with rogues and villains. A book about the place where he'll grow up.

-----------------------------------------

Thud! 1st October 2005 £17.99

Koom Valley? That was where the trolls ambushed the dwarfs, or the dwarfs ambushed the trolls. It was far away. It was a long time ago. But if he doesn't solve the murder of just one dwarf, Commander Sam Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch is going to see it fought again, right outside his office. With his beloved Watch crumbling around him and war-drums sounding, he must unravel every clue, outwit every assassin and brave any darkness to find the solution. And darkness is following him. Oh...and at six o'clock every day, without fail, with no excuses, he must home to read "Where's My Cow?", with all the right farmyard noises, to his little boy. There are some things you have to do.

-----------------------------------------

And those lovely people at Author Tracker just sent me this in an email.

-----------------------------------------

Dear Reader,

What you have here is an excerpt from my new novel, Thud! It's about a murder in the dark that resurrects an ancient mystery (that statement is true and, since this is a mystery, carefully misleading), and about the man -- Commander Sam Vimes of the City Watch -- who must figure it all out. And avert a war at the same time. And make sure he's home by six
o'clock every night to read a bedtime story to his little boy. Some things are important, after all.

If you haven't read one of my books before, don't worry. Although I've written a lot of them, and most are set in the same place and occasionally share characters, knowing what's gone before might enhance the fun, but it's not necessary to the overall experience. This is pretty much a standalone book and anyone who's ever read a crime novel or a thriller or a fantasy book, for that matter, should be able to hum along happily until they pick up the refrain.

Yep, I used the word "fantasy" But the Discworld, on which a lot of my books are set, isn't your classic fantasy world. All the big wars were a long time ago. Now people just want to get on in the world and make a buck or two. The people might be dwarfs or trolls or wizards, but at the same time they can be bureaucrats or thugs or shoe salesmen. (I guess that's why the ubiquitous "they" have said that I'm a master of satire. Right. I didn't know it was that easy.) It's life in a big city where a young female vampire points out that the real problem with turning yourself into a flock of bats is keeping track of the one that's carrying your underwear; where a werewolf can only take a B.A.T.H. if she spells it out in her head; and where being the commander of the police department is just as much of a headache as it
is here.

And, just like here, the dragons to watch out for are no longer the big fiery things in the sky, but the same old evil one ones that live in our minds . . .

--Terry Pratchett


-----------------------------------------

Thud . . .

. . . that was the sound the heavy club made as it connected with the head. The body jerked, and slumped back.

And it was done, unheard, unseen: the perfect end, a perfect solution, a perfect story.

But, as the dwarfs say, where there is trouble you will always find a troll.

The troll saw.



It started out as a perfect day. It would soon enough be an imperfect one, he knew, but just for these few minutes, it was possible to pretend that it wouldn't.

Sam Vimes shaved himself. It was his daily act of defiance, a confirmation that he was. . . well, plain Sam Vimes.

Admittedly, he shaved himself in a mansion, and while he did so, his butler read out bits from the Times, but they were just. . .circumstances. It was still Sam Vimes looking back at him from the mirror. The day he saw the duke of Ankh-Morpork in there would be a bad day. "Duke" was just a job description, that's all.

"Most of the news is about the current. . .dwarfish situation, sir," said Willikins, as Vimes negotiated the tricky area under the nose. He still used his granddad's cutthroat razor. It was another anchor to reality. Besides, the steel was a lot better than the steel
you got today. Sybil, who had a strange enthusiasm for modern gadgetry, kept on suggesting he get one of those new shavers, with a little magic imp inside that had its own scissors and did all the cutting very quickly, but Vimes had held out. If anyone was going to be using a blade near his face, it was going to be him.

"Koom Valley, Koom Valley," he muttered to his reflection. "Anything new?"

"Not as such, sir," said Willikins, turning back to the front page. "There is a report of that speech by Grag Hamcrusher. There was a disturbance afterwards, it says. Several dwarfs and trolls were wounded. Community leaders have appealed for calm."

Vimes shook some lather off the blade. "Hah! I bet they have. Tell me, Willikins, did you fight much when you were a kid? Were you in a gang or anything?"

"I was privileged to belong to the Shamlegger Street Rude Boys, sir," said the butler.

"Really?" said Vimes, genuinely impressed. "They were pretty tough nuts, as I recall."

"Thank you, sir," said Willikins smoothly. "I pride myself I used to give somewhat more than I got if we needed to discuss the vexed area of turf issues with the young men from Rope Street. Stevedore's hooks were their weapon of choice, as I recall."

"And yours. . .?" said Vimes, agog.

"A cap-brim sewn with sharpened pennies, sir. An ever-present help in times of trouble."

"Ye gods, man! You could put someone's eye out with something like that."

"With care, sir, yes," said Willikins, meticulously folding a towel.

And here you stand now, in your pinstripe trousers and butlering coat, shiny as schmaltz and fat as butter, Vimes thought, while he tidied up under the ears. And I'm a duke. How the world turns.

"And have you ever heard someone say "let's have a disturbance"?" he said.

"Never, sir."

"Me neither. It only happens in newspapers." Vimes glanced at the bandage on his arm. It had been quite disturbing, even so.

"Did it mention I took personal charge?" he said.

"No, sir. But it does say here that rival factions in the street outside were kept apart by the valiant efforts of the Watch, sir."

"They actually used the word "valiant"?" said Vimes, still tidying up under the ears.

"Indeed they did, sir."

"Well, good," Vimes conceded grumpily. "Do they record that two officers had to be taken to the Free Hospital, one of them quite badly hurt?"

"Unaccountably, not, sir," said the butler.

"Huh. Typical. Oh, well. . .carry on."

Willikins coughed a butlery cough. "You might wish to lower the razor for the next one, sir. I got into trouble with her ladyship about last week's little nick."

Vimes watched his image sigh, and lowered the razor. "All right, Willikins. Tell me the worst."

Behind him, the paper was professionally rustled. "The headline on page three is: "Vampire Officer For The Watch?" sir," said the butler, and took a careful step backwards.

"Damn! Who told them?"

"I really couldn't say, sir. It says you are not in favor of vampires in the Watch but will be interviewing a recruit today. It says there is a lively controversy over the issue."

"Turn to page eight, will you?" said Vimes grimly. Behind him, the paper rustled again.

"Well?" he said, "That's where they usually put their silly political cartoon, isn't it?"

"You did put the razor down, did you, sir?" said Willikins.

"Yes!"

"Perhaps it would also be just as well if you stepped away from the washbasin, too, sir."

"There's one of me, isn't there?" said Vimes grimly.

"Indeed there is, sir. It portrays a small nervous vampire and, if I may say so, a rather larger-than-life drawing of yourself leaning over your desk, holding a wooden stake in your right hand. The caption is "Any good on a stake-out, eh?" sir, this being a humorous wordplay referring, on the one hand, to the standard police procedure."

"Yes, I think I can just about spot it," said Vimes wearily. "Any chance you could nip down and buy the original before Sybil does? Every time they run a cartoon of me, she gets hold of it and hangs it up in the library!"

"Mr., er, Fizz does capture a very good likeness, sir," the butler conceded. "And I regret to say that her ladyship has already instructed me to go down to the Times office on her behalf."

Vimes groaned.

"Moreover, sir," Willikins went on, "her ladyship desired me to remind you that she and Young Sam will meet at the studio of Sir Joshua at eleven sharp, sir. The painting is at an important stage, I gather."

"But I..."

"She was very specific, sir. She said if a commander of police cannot take time off, who can?"


On this day in 1802, the painter Methodia Rascal woke up in the night because the sounds of warfare were coming from a drawer in his bedside table.

Again.


One little light illuminated the cellar, which was to say that it lent different textures to the darkness and divided shadow from darker shadow.

The figures barely showed up at all. It was quite impossible, with normal eyes, to tell who was talking.

"This is not to be talked about, do you understand?"

"Not talked about? He's dead!"

"This is dwarf business! It's not to come to the ears of the city watch! They have no place here! Do any of us want them down here?"

"They do have dwarf officers --"

"Hah. D'rkza. Too much time in the sun. They're just short humans now. Do they think dwarf? And Vimes will dig and dig and wave the silly rags and tatters they call laws. Why should we allow such a violation? Besides, this is hardly a mystery. Only a troll could have done it, agreed? I said, are we agreed?"

"That is what happened," said a figure; the voice was thin and old and, in truth, uncertain.

"Indeed, it was a troll," said another voice, almost the twin of that one, but with a little more assurance.

The subsequent pause was underlined by the ever-present sound of the pumps.

"It could only have been a troll," said the first voice. "Is it not said that behind every crime you will find the troll?"

Excerpted from Thud! Copyright © 2005 by Terry Pratchett. HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.