Saturday, April 09, 2005

Losing Faith

Recently I haven't been very spiritual at all.

I think the fact that the first half of last year was a rollercoaster of wonderful spiritual events and adventures, and then the second half had me questioning everything has really shaken me.

Would I have fallen so hard if I hadn't finally been feeling good about myself?

I think I would have fallen harder. The fact that I'd had that faith in myself at last, enabled me to get through the time when no-one seemed to have any faith in me.

Could I have reacted any differently at the time?

Looking back, of course there are things I would change, but that's with hindsight. Put back into that situation again, without the knowledge I have now. I'd react exactly the same way.

Being told repeatedly to trust your instinct and your gut, and then all of a sudden being told that you're wrong is always going to shake things up in your head. But I think that if I hadn't been being told to trust myself first, I would have cracked under the pressure afterwards.

The thing that's sparked this off was...ta-da...another nasty email? how did you guess. We're up to 8 months worth now, and it's been boring for all eight of them. Recently it's been a bit more sporadic, and it's been interesting to see how different events have sparked off the emails. I can post something on here and guarantee something nasty will arrive within 24 hours, but things can be posted elsewhere and also provoke the same response.

Putting that cross-stitch up for the raffle - nasty email.
Mentioning Phil Rickman's books on here - nasty email.
Mentioning the recent births - nasty email.
Mentioning the fact I was traveling home - nasty email (involving firebombing my house, so extra nice!)
Someone else talking in their blog about a trip they'd made - nasty email.
This post - nasty email (for sure).

People keep telling me to just ignore it. "They'll get bored soon", "They'll get it back three-fold" etc. Blimey, that lot of threefold will be interesting to see.

The one that was most interesting was the email after the trip that someone else had made. It talked about the fact I must be jealous that I wasn't there, that I must have been wishing that this person would have a shit time. Why? It wasn't something I would have been interested in doing, it held no appeal for me. Why should I wish them a horrible time? It ties in to the fact that if someone has a bad time on a trip or whatever, I get an email telling me it was my fault.

The other interesting one was the one telling me how upset I must be that Mab is going to Glastonbury rather than my wedding. *eye roll* I would never have asked her to make that choice, in fact the wedding down south is family only anyway. I've supposed to have a tantrum because she's going to have a great time at a festival rather than coming to a wedding where she wouldn't know a single person....???

It just proved to me that the emailer has no clue about me or my life, other than the bits that turn up on here. Sad really. It would be nicer if they actually knew what they were talking about!

Today is a day for cleaning. My house, my mental space...the cat litter trays!

The sun is shining, I have a working hoover, two feather dusters, and two fluffy kittens to watch running away from the hoover.

Life is good.


Mab said...

WTF?! E-mailing person, if you are reading this can we just clarify something here? I was up Kate's house a couple of weeks back and had a lovely evening.

The Top Withins trip was something which only FT Kate and I were ever going to do, alone, so there was never a question of anyone else coming too.

Phil Rickman is a great author, everyone read his books.

And Kate, please just ****ing send me the header details of the e-mail, so I can trace this person and nail him/her. Like this:

* Right-click on the e-mail
* Go down to 'properties'
* Click on 'details'
* Click on 'message source'
* Copy the details and e-mail them to me

Then let me trace the ****er.

Thank you.


Mab said...

Ok, cariad, I've done what I can to protect you now. I've sat here for nearly 3 hours changing a whole section of the website and moving the Grove blog page.

Send me the info from the e-mail and let's get this sorted.


Shonna said...

This *will* be sorted. I've made it very clear that whomever is doing this to you WILL be found out and WILL be banned from the list if they are in fact there, interesting how cowardice shows up - what I DO suggest you do is put them in the spotlight, share what they're sending you, let Mab help you track them, she's amazing at that, we have options and WILL be looking at all angles of this.
There is, after all, no such thing as TRUE anonymity online.