Sunday, March 26, 2006

"It's a nightmare in a bubble car"

(If you watch Moto GP on the BBC then you'll understand that quote, if not, you'll have to remain confused.)'s still not being uneventful.

It'll be one month tomorrow since Phoenix said "I love you, but I can't be with you right now. I need space".

Not the best thing to say to your wife of seven months as she is going through her second miscarriage. But I didn't stab him, I didn't even throw anything at him.

I haven't posted about it before partly because I only told Emily last week "He's fucking what!? He needs fucking space!! I'm going to chop him up into little pieces!" and also because I'm still processing it.

Bod kindly let me swop my brand-new copy of Eating Well When You're Expecting for It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and I read through that which helped a bit.

Since then I've been...getting on with it really. I'm kinda excited about living on my own, but at other times it scares me. I'm worried about the fact I'll have to really watch where my money goes so I can afford everything, but I'm happy that I earn enough so that I can contemplate staying here.

He hasn't moved out yet, that happens next weekend. But he's been staying away as much as he can, he's usually back for a couple of nights in the middle and then the evenings are normal. Random chat about our days and that. It's stopped being odd that I don't feel like I have to immediately jump to get him dinner - in fact it's great not feeling like I have to do anything for him. Anything I do, I choose to do and the only person it affects is me.

Everyone at work has been lovely - lots of kneecapping offers - and I went out on the town with Campbelli and her friend Steph last night and had a very good time dancing like a crazy lady. This morning I had a small headache (more like lack of sleep than too much beer) and my calves hurt from the dancing. I was impressed last night that my feet didn't hurt, my knees hurt first!

Today I am chilling and watching Moto GP and Superbikes later. I have changed all the clocks I need to change (did most when I got in last night, left the video til the morning though), done a load of washing, I've got a little bit of washing-up to do but other than that my time is my own.

It's so nice knowing that I'm just accountable to myself right now. That if I choose to just eat mashed potatoes (with mustard) and spend all day on the computer, I can do this without being made to feel bad for not being more "productive".

I am still accountable to the cats of course. They must be fed at certain times (and don't you just know it) and if Foley wants to sleep in the middle of my pillow then he must, I'm happy just to curl up on the edges and listen to his purr.


MarkFarley said...

Wow, everything is happening up there isn't it?

I'm really sorry things havent worked out for you.

Things must be really hard for the both of you. I can understand why he is upset with all that's happened, but the best thing he could have done is support you through it all.

As much as people think he is a bad person, he is also going through a loss. xx

Kate said...

Thanks Mark.

He was pretty stressed beforehand and I guess it was the last straw. I've been kinda defending him to folks who want him strangled (like my sister) cos I still care about him.

Hopefully him getting some space will lead him to work out what he really wants out of life, and whether this includes me or not.

It'll all come out in the wash!