"It's a nightmare in a bubble car"

(If you watch Moto GP on the BBC then you'll understand that quote, if not, you'll have to remain confused.)

Well...life's still not being uneventful.

It'll be one month tomorrow since Phoenix said "I love you, but I can't be with you right now. I need space".

Not the best thing to say to your wife of seven months as she is going through her second miscarriage. But I didn't stab him, I didn't even throw anything at him.

I haven't posted about it before partly because I only told Emily last week "He's fucking what!? He needs fucking space!! I'm going to chop him up into little pieces!" and also because I'm still processing it.

Bod kindly let me swop my brand-new copy of Eating Well When You're Expecting for It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and I read through that which helped a bit.

Since then I've been...getting on with it really. I'm kinda excited about living on my own, but at other times it scares me. I'm worried about the fact I'll have to really watch where my money goes so I can afford everything, but I'm happy that I earn enough so that I can contemplate staying here.

He hasn't moved out yet, that happens next weekend. But he's been staying away as much as he can, he's usually back for a couple of nights in the middle and then the evenings are normal. Random chat about our days and that. It's stopped being odd that I don't feel like I have to immediately jump to get him dinner - in fact it's great not feeling like I have to do anything for him. Anything I do, I choose to do and the only person it affects is me.

Everyone at work has been lovely - lots of kneecapping offers - and I went out on the town with Campbelli and her friend Steph last night and had a very good time dancing like a crazy lady. This morning I had a small headache (more like lack of sleep than too much beer) and my calves hurt from the dancing. I was impressed last night that my feet didn't hurt, my knees hurt first!

Today I am chilling and watching Moto GP and Superbikes later. I have changed all the clocks I need to change (did most when I got in last night, left the video til the morning though), done a load of washing, I've got a little bit of washing-up to do but other than that my time is my own.

It's so nice knowing that I'm just accountable to myself right now. That if I choose to just eat mashed potatoes (with mustard) and spend all day on the computer, I can do this without being made to feel bad for not being more "productive".

I am still accountable to the cats of course. They must be fed at certain times (and don't you just know it) and if Foley wants to sleep in the middle of my pillow then he must, I'm happy just to curl up on the edges and listen to his purr.

Welcome Richie Fingers!

Richie from work has just got himself a shiny new internet connection and today asked for my blog address so he could see what I'd been writing about him.

I protested that I hadn't posted about the time last week when he stabbed himself in the head with a stanley knife because he forgot he had it in his hand when he answered the phone.
I also confirmed that I very rarely post about things he would be interested in, such as saxa-ma-phones, Rik Mayall, pink shirts or the best places to hide from your assistant manager when you've managed to insult him yet again.

He still wanted the address.

So just for him - my favourite picture of him taken at our works party last year. Richie is the one on the right, and Matt is on the left wearing Richies glasses.



They were both a teeny bit drunk.

I love bills!

Well, not all the time. But today I do!

I got the council tax demand today...and I've already paid £250 of next years bill! I'd been overpaying very slightly, rounding it up from £91 to £100 and adding in the fact that I automatically pay in Feb and March (when I don't need to), I am nicely ahead for next year. This will help lots with next years bills! I'm ahead on the water bill slightly too, so reduced payments there as well. The only one that I'm not is on the gas bill, but that evens itself out over the year so nothing to worry about there!

It's so nice to feel in control of my money for once.

It was helped by getting my student loan statement too. I don't have to start paying them back until my gross monthly income is over £2700 and since it's not even £1000 at the moment (bookselling is a job you do for the love, not the money) I can defer for yet another year, and probably for quite a while to come. I did get lucky with this, being the first year that got student loans at uni. This means that while people who started just a year after me are paying theirs back already, I don't have to worry about mine.
I do spare a thought for Yorkshire Lass who will have hers to pay back from next year or so. Then again, if I had finished my degree (Molecular and Cellular Biology) and gone on to get the type of job I always thought I'd do, I'd probably be paying it off already.

At the moment (apart from that student loan which doesn't really count) I am debt free. Sure I'm over my overdraft by about £20 right now, but I have no credit cards, loans, or HP agreements. It's nice.

It's nice to know that once I've paid rent, council tax, utilities, TV license and internet - then the rest of the money is mine. Admittedly it's mine for food, cat food, clothing, toiletries and about £20 for frivolity - but I feel in control of my money for the first time in a long time, in fact, possibly the first time ever.

Sadness

Some of you might have been wondering exactly why I had a weeks holiday off work, went back for five days and then had another week off. Bad timing really. I found out I was pregnant again at the beginning of Feb and part of the weeks holiday was to relax totally and hopefully reduce my stress levels so as to make miscarriage more unlikely.

Best laid plans...I was off last week due to my second miscarriage.

I'm coping, I promise. I spent that whole week in a kind of daze, but now I'm doing mostly good. I think it's cos I was only just coming to terms with the fact I was pregnant again and then I wasn't. Unlike last time where I'd had 2 months to get used to it, this time it was only 3 weeks.

That's why my Yahoo Avatar was crying in a bad pink blanket for a while, but she's now all dressed up and ready to get on with things.

Life sucks sometimes, but hey - I'd sooner be here-and-now where I can be high and low, rather than back at uni where there where no highs or lows, just everything the same.

I may rant about it at a later date, and it goes partway to explaining some of the very odd posts from last week.

The sun is shining, I've been swopping emails with an old friend, I have a purring cat on my lap, three bad films to watch and a new box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat ready to be scoffed. Life is good.