Eeeep!

It's all Michelle's fault!

Cold and Grumpy

That about sums me up at the moment. I'm having one of those times where I can't really get warm, then if I do I'm TOO warm. meh.

I also have a stinky cold.

I opted out of the world last night and curled up on the sofa to read my new book The Mitfords - Letters Between Six Sisters which I bought with my dad's birthday voucher that he never got to spend. (I figured I'd better buy something vaguely "serious" with it). It's brilliant and absorbed my attention all evening. Poor Anthony had no option but to spend the evening going through dungeons on WoW.

If it hadn't been for last night I don't know how I would have coped with today. Vast quantities of stupid questions from customers, an overly concerned colleague who can't seem to stop saying "how are you/your mum/your sister/Anthony/the cats?" and then today told me she'd been thinking of things to do for my divorce party. I know she means well but what!!! *deep breathing*

I did have a rather nice moment when I discovered something on our work discussion boards. Ages ago I had a problem with Lynx needing Irish postcodes (you just put EIRE in the box instead) and a nice chap called myincubliss_in_canterbury helped me out. Then when someone else had the same problem I answered them. I got thanked and told them to send their thanks to myincubliss as he was the true hero. Today I was on there looking for something and happened to click on myincubliss's profile - where in the quotes section is my comment thanking them! That instantly made my day!

In other news that is not very interesting but about as interesting as it gets, I went to the library last night and got myself some books to read including the new Phil Rickman book The Fabric of Sin. I like these books, they always turn up at the right moments. I read the first few quite a long while ago (in fact, I borrowed them from Mab which puts it about 2004) and then have found the new ones as and when. I haven't read the previous one but will pick that up tomorrow, in the meantime this one wants reading now. It's a bit ghosty which means I shall not have to read too much in bed as Anthony is back in Brum tonight. It also meant that when I was in the bathroom and reading it (long having finished what I'd gone in there to do) and the mirror fell off the wall - I jumped very slightly. I didn't squeak though!

I am going to my warm sofa (with hot water bottle, blankets and cats) to eat some Wispas and read some more.

Hmmmm

Bagpuss Feet
Originally uploaded by Petronella Rose.

Being so sleepy all the time has been worrying me slightly, but I have found out the reason why...

I'm slowly turning into Bagpuss.

Homework

I have been having a day off today. A planned one because I worked Sunday rather than a phoning work at 8.45am to tell them I can't face getting out of bed day off(haven't hit that barrier yet but aware it may happen at any moment). I had a nice lie-in until 10ish because Anthony stayed at his house last night so I didn't get woken up at 6am. Since my sleeping is erratic at the moment any chance to get more is good.

Any hoo, I had to do a bit of tidying and sorting out today as Emily and Brychan will be staying the night here on Thursday before we head to Center Parcs for mum's birthday weekend. I didn't want Emily to walk in and announce that certain things hadn't actually be tidied up since she was here for Harry Potter (the boxes full of stuff in her bedroom for example) so thought I would attempt to add to the housework I did last week with some organising of clothes etc.

I didn't actually feel like it when I got up so I spent five minutes on the sofa with my new inspirational book.

*********

The Gentle Art of Domesticity by Jane Brocket.
yarnstorm
*********

It's about domesticity rather than domestication - the difference being that the former is about homemaking and the latter housework.

Now I'm definitely far from being the best at housework, I still don't own an iron, hate washing-up (mainly because sinks are always too low for me so my back hurts!), hoover when I feel like it and only dust because my feather dusters are too beautiful not to use them.
But domesticity I like. When I cook things I tend to enjoy it (but hate the washing-up bit so much it puts me off),I like making things for my home, I like choosing things to put in it, I like having things in my house that say that it's mine. Things that say "Kate".

Anyway, after a flick through looking at gorgeous pictures of quilts and fairy buns I got myself up and blitzed the bedroom - putting all the clean washing away and sorting out all the dirty stuff. I'm quite good at remembering to do washing, but not very good at putting it away once it's dried. The spare bed is usually its resting place but since Emily needs it all clothes have been banished to the wardrobe instead.

Once I'd done that and had a general tidy round I read a bit more book.

This meant that I then went and found the hammer and put up my fairy lights in the living room as I've been meaning to do since we moved in. I love fairy lights. I have them round my bedstead already but had been dissuaded from putting the ones up in the living room by a certain man who shall remain anonymous. But hey, it's not that long til Christmas now (and I'm sticking to that excuse).

I then had a wander round the house with my camera and took some pictures of bits of my house that are me. Some of it is just little things like my new oven gloves and watering can. Other things have come together as a collection that will change as needed but will still reflect me. It very much made me think of this post by Keris

So yes, today has been a day where I have made a discovery that I may not enjoy housework, but I do enjoy homework.

Gosh I was a bit miserable last night wasn't I?

That was a bad day, today is going to be a good one.

On good days I am grateful that I got to spend so much time with my dad when I was younger and that I haven't (that WE haven't) then had to watch him change so much through illness that the old dad vanished.

After writing last nights post I spoke to mum and Emily. Mum told me to "stop wallowing. Imagine how bad it is for me!" - In vain did I protest that I wasn't, just having a bad day and that I was was worrying about her. I got told off for buying a book on grief "it'll tell you what to feel" and told off for associating James Taylor with dad "He didn't like his music, I do!". Ah well, my mother is coping in her own way as Emily kept telling me.

Emily has told me off for worrying about her so I shall try to stop (I said TRY) and instead follow her advice: "Worry about yourself, ignore mum she's never really understood you, do what you need to do to get through this."

I love my sister.

So today I am up early (ugh) for the early shift at work which means I get to finish early and spend more time with my man. We will watch the last episode of Scrubs Season Three (Turk and Carla's Wedding) and eat something that might be slightly nutritious.

Life is ok, not great, not terrible, just carrying on with a bit of a gap in it but not one that stops the whole damn thing forever.

Everything is broken at the moment.

My memory is shot, I have to keep making lists of things I need to do but then I keep losing the lists. It took me five minutes to get a yogurt for breakfast this morning - I got it from the fridge and went into the living room, then back for a spoon, then back again because I'd taken the yogurt back into the kitchen with me and then forgotten to pick it up again.

I can't listen to music, most of my music is stuff my dad listened to or stuff that sounds like it - so most of it makes me cry. I was doing fine at work listening to Sting but when the CD changed to James Taylor I had to go hide in Goods In so my sobs wouldn't scare the customers.

I forget for about five minutes at a time maybe, then I remember that the world has completely changed and the bottom drops out of my stomach. I see a book or hear someone say something and think "I must remember to..." and then stop and try to breathe through a throat that's just closed up.

I've been trying to write on here since Saturday night when we got back but every time I've tried nothing has come out. I keep thinking of blog posts in the middle of the night but I'm aware if I get up to write it then it will be gone and I can't get the words down on paper fast enough to get it all out before it goes again. I keep thinking that I have to get my thoughts about his funeral down on here because it was so long ago now, and then I remember it was only last Thursday.

I can't begin to think how this is for mum and Emily, mum being in an empty house and Emily being so young and already "half an orphan". I start to feel bad because it's got to be much worse for them and then feeling guilty for the way I feel and then Anthony will tell me that I am allowed to feel like this.

(and now I feel guilty cos I just opened the door to the milkman and had to explain why I was crying and why I've been away so much and he was just so lovely)

When I had the miscarriages and when Andy left I felt terrible, the worst I'd ever felt, but I knew everything would be ok in the end because my dad said it would be. But now he's not there to tell me everything will be ok and I can't believe anyone else.

I know this will pass, I know that one day I will not automatically think of phoning him when Orient aren't unlucky or when Alonso crashes through a fit of pique. I know this MUST be true - I just wish it didn't have to be.

I'm so glad they came to visit in August, that we went out for dinner and talked about old holidays and silly family jokes, and that when mum said something hurtful to me dad just rolled his eyes at her and made me feel better. That although I wasn't there when he died my last memories are of him smiling and joking and being absolutely himself.

He was the person that knew me best. We are so very alike. He made me who I am. At least I don't have to be scared of losing him anymore, since I've already lost him.

Now my terror takes the form of the next phone call being bad news about Emily or Anthony or mum. I'm not sleeping at night because I'm not tired, but I'm yawning all day. I'm either starving hungry or feeling sick so eating is a gamble, by the time I've cooked something I feel sick again.

Everything is broken and I don't even know how to start fixing it.

Foley is a comedy connoisseur

Homeness.

Home is strange. It's mainly strange cos dad isn't here, although it still only feels like he's just in the garden or in another room. He's just popped out for a second, not died and gone forever. The other reason it's strange here is that this is the longest time I've spent in this house in five years, which means it's the longest time in five years that I've spent with my mother.

I love my mother, in a way I'm glad it was dad and not her (partly cos if it had been her I'd be working out a way to move back here for good to keep an eye on dad) but it doesn't change the fact that we get on better 150 miles apart. So far I think she's made me cry at least twice each day - and that's not cry about dad (although I'm closer to crying because of it) but cry cos she's said or done something. At the moment I am either perfect, or doing everything wrong - usually both at the same time.

The thing that is stupidly hard, is trying to get computer access. Now I knew I wasn't going to get hours of it, but getting five minutes is a fight. I'm also not allowed to blog or go on Facebook - and the blogging thing also includes reading my blog to look for comments, not just the actual blogging thing! Tonight she made me promise not to even look at my blog but she said I could look at my Facebook page (I think she hasn't realised you have to log on for that). So this blog is coming to you via Anthony, I've emailed this to him and he will cut 'n' paste it for me. Being unable to blog is a lot more restrictive than I thought. I can never handwrite fast enough to get my thoughts down while I can type fast enough. So all sorts of "deep and meaningfuls" have been lost to the ether and my poor silly brain.

We are busy doing things to get everything ready for Thursday but I still have lots of downtime when mum has to go make phonecalls or write emails. Thiis is currently mostly filled by sitting on the sofa working on her birthday cross-stitch (which is coming along wonderfully and she loves the fact that dad knew about it and kinda helped pick it) and watching the first season of Scrubs. I haven't seen much of it before. Partly cos it was always Emily's thing, but also cos it was something I wanted to see from the beginning and in order (like CSI). Darling Emily started educating me on Saturday by putting on her Season One DVDs and today I watched 11 episodes. Not all in one go, but three or four at a time. It's weird watching something that's only 30 mins an episode, can't get used to it. But I am enjoying it very much and hope that Season Two is round here somewhere so that I can carry straight on with it. I am enjoying finding out where some of her jokes come from, I watched the "Banana Hammock" episode earlier and burst out laughing.

Yeah, so apart from the lack of bloggage (and being able to read other peopels), life here is actually good. Yes I still have bad moments where I cry about dad, but the shock hasn't worn off yet so I still get to float around in a peaceful cloud. (Just give it a few more weeks...) Talking of peaceful clouds, I'm going to go have a hot chocolate with marshmallows on top and explain to mum that I haven't been blogging but emailing, and leave Internet Explorer open so she can check up on me...